Like any good student, I'm always learning. Unfortunately, being a muppet, I never bother to remember what I've learnt! So, for those of you wishing to avoid unneccessary suffering in the office environment (try and) remember these simple lessons...

1)Guns might kill, but tape guns can maim! The bastard things have evil spikes on them, supposedly for cutting tape, but far more adept at ripping human flesh from the bone. For my first two weeks the other staff have been able to easily locate me by following the trail of blood. :(

2)Office coffee is evil. Stale Nescafe made with stewed water and luke-warm milk. Ive resorted to office tea - which doesnt taste any better but at least its not made by evil Nestle, so my conscience feels better even if my taste buds do not.

3)They're only nice to you because they want to figure out your weaknesses. Being a temp or a new member of staff classifies you as subhuman scum, but for your first couple of weeks at any new job people will tend to smile and act nice. It wont last! Within a couple of weeks they will have figured out that (1)You're not related to their boss (2)They can easily foist all their crap jobs onto you. A good general rule is to run away as fast as you can every time you see anyone seniour to you approaching.

4)Don't annoy the catering, admin or furniture luggers - they can make your life hell. One false move can see you consigned to a life of eating scrawny sandwiches, sitting on a broken chair next to a wonky table. You cant phone to complain because your telephone only takes incoming calls. Your PC has a mono screen and surfs the web using Morse Code (although after asking nicely they've told you that they might be able to get you a typewriter within a few months).

Meanwhile, you have to write all your letters by hand using your own pens on cheap photocopy paper. Your requests for staplers, paperclips, files, and other vital equipment are met with blank looks of astonishment at your utter cheek. Ysee, if only you'd held the door open for that miserable old admin cow on your first day then none of this would have happened.

5)Never EVER walk around without some kind of document in your hands. If you do, then you'll immediately look like a lazy goodfornothing. Addtionally, if anyone ever comes into your office then DONT look around straighaway. Instead keep looking at your PC screen/whatever you're writing and keep typing for a few seconds. Then you can turn around, making sure you have a slightly stressed look on your face.

6)Try and stagger your lunchbreak so it doesnt coincide with your bosses. Preferably start lunch 15/30 mins after they do. That way you can spend the 30 mins preceding your lunchbreak safe in the knowledge that no-one of importance is going to come into the office catching you chatting on MSN!

7)Make sure your office shelves are full and that there are lots of important looking forms all over the place. This will reduce the likelihood of others donating work to you. Be careful not to have stuff stored on the floor tho - getting on the wrong side of ppl in charge of health & safety is a baaad idea (see point 4).

8)This is my final suggestion, and probably the most important of all: NOD AND SMILE! You may well not have a clue about what your boss is telling you, but that doesnt matter. Just nod and smile. You can probably figure it out later on, and even if you cant then you can always work out a way of blaming things on other people :)